What....is a strange word

I'm trying to think of why it is that every time I write an observations on becoming post in which I don't know what to write about, it happens that later that night something occurs that makes me wish I hadn't already written. But at the same time I'm kind of glad it happens that way, because then I post more often. :)  Today I want to share an excerpt from my diary-written on earlier this week. The reason I'm getting straight from my diary is 'cause its already written and I don't have to put it into words again. :p


Sunday, Sep.19,10
What am I doing? What do I have to show for each day? What did I accomplish? I didn't even pray, work hard, or bless anyone. I really want to make each day meaningful. Because I'm not engaged in any [outside] activities, I need to be about more serious business [in the home].

• Using my demeanor for HaShem's glory and to bless others.
• Using my words to honor G-D and encourage and edify others.
• Using my actions to help and bless others and push myself forward.
• Praying and reading everyday.

Yes, I write bullet point lists in my diary.What can I say, they're addictive :p Anyway, the point of all that , or better said, where all that came from, is the place of feeling that my life is meaningless right now, and aimless, just because it doesn't "look" like some ideal that I must have hidden in my heart. This is important because waiting for this ideal to take form, or trying to make it happen, are both impossible and dangerous things-fighting the flow.

I have to accept my life how it is, make the best of it, and love it and live in it. And the most important part of all this is doing all that towards and of myself as well. Although my life isn't all about  me, I decide how it is lived and how I look at it, and to do both of those things to please G-D, I need to work on myself-line myself up with His will for me and what I desire my life to be.Not other than what it is, but within what it is. And I feel like I just confused myself and everyone. :p  
 
How can I let an ideal define what my life is? what I am? How can I let a person define what my life is? Who I am? What wrong! What lies! What exclamations! Yeah my life's not a perfect fairytale or something-but WHATEVER!!!!!!! I don't have a busy social life, I'm not hip or modern (maybe just a bit :p) I'm not "in the world" or cool or your average teen. I never will be! Especially after I leave the teen years. :p

Listen dear girls, don't doubt your beautiful neshama (soul), don't allow anyone or anything, even yourself, to make you feel worthless or unimportant or anything with an "un" before it or "less" after it. :) Love yourself because G-D first loved you, and then love others as yourself. You can't do that till you love yourself, obviously. :p